Tuesday, June 10, 2008

NPR - 4:00 am conversation

I've written before that sometimes I wake up around 4:00 am, make some coffee and sit on the deck watching and listening to the early morning, and holding a conversation with myself. I like to free think as they say, conduct a wandering and varied train of thoughts, which sometimes leads me to some interesting and often helpful conclusions or ideas about my life, some decisions I'm thinking about and some things I'm going through.

Today was another except I woke up at 3:30 am, so 4:00 am had to wait a bit. Being near the summer solistice, light comes early, starting about 4:30-5:00 am so I get to see the slowly fading night and the slowly approaching day. This time it's about something I'm going through. It's like a bridge over a wide, deep canyon that doesn't appear to be secure or safe, where only the ends are holding it up. And my thoughts?

First you have to start, then you have to transistion over it overcoming your fear of it failing and you falling into the darkness below. Second, you have to reach the halfway, the top of the arch, to see the rest of it to the other side. This I knew. But lastly, which I didn't fully realize, is that once you get a ways up the depating side, you have to burn that end, and you have to hope the bridge stays up.

Because you can't see what supports the bridge, only the ends. What supports it is your faith in yourself. That faith doesn't necessarily have to be stout or strong, just enough to get you over the canyon to the other side and on with your life. The bridge will wobble and sway, that's the reality of being on a bridge in the world today, the winds of time and the forces of events aren't always soft and gentle. They're all too often like a thunderstorm in the desert or a major storm hurtling through the mountains.

And you don't always have to walk. You can stop, take some breath, get a rest, look at the scene and ponder the world from where you're at then and there. But you have to know you can't and don't want to go back. That's not a choice, only going forward at the pace that works for you. And only you know that pace. It's your life and your choices, so everything has to fit into the whole of your life.

And sometimes you will walk backwards, looking at the past, where you've been and how you got there. That's ok too. There are handrails to guide you so you don't fall off. It's just that you can't think the past is also the future, and you can't walk back down to the original side. For you see, if you do, you'll always wonder, "What if I had continued...", and you'll never know. That's the interesting part of the walk.

You simply have to walk ahead and rely on your intuition and faith. The bridge will hold you. Even when you won't think it will.

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